I like to keep up with modern lingo and came across a term I’d never heard before. Ghosting someone, sure, but not ghostlighting. So what is ghostlighting? In case you haven’t already figured it out… combine ghosting someone with gaslighting them. So what exactly would that look like? Someone you’re dating stops communicating with you (ghosts you) and then reinitiates contact as if they never stopped talking to you in the first place, then tries to convince you they never ghosted you in the first place (ghostlights you). I was super interested in this topic and did some further research.

Common things a ghostlighter might say: I told you I was busy, or you told me you were busy, and I wanted to respect that (when that never happened). I didn’t think you needed a play-by-play. You’re being way too sensitive. Why are you making such a big deal of this? It was just a joke. I never said that. I didn’t know we were a thing or in a committed relationship. I was waiting for you to reply to me. Are you sure…you know you have a bad memory.
The other tactic ghostlighters might use is to be super casual when they reinitiate contact, saying things like: “Hey, what’s up? Long time no talk to. I’m back. I was just thinking of you.
Apparently, ghostlighting is a rising trend, assumed to result from increased online dating and the fact that daters today tend to remain in a state of ambiguity with prospective love interests for longer than in the past.
If y’all think this doesn’t happen often in the Sapphic community, you’d be wrong. In fact, some say it might occur for a couple of reasons: fear of rejection, coupled with the pressure to emotionally protect yourself, can make communication tricky. Also, lesbians are often in small interconnected communities, and when that dating pool is smaller, women tend to resurface, making endings feel murky or unfinished. Additionally, queer women often struggle with their identity, and some are still living in the closet, so they might ghost you because they are worried about people finding out they are queer, then come back when they feel comfortable again. As a defense mechanism, they might pretend they never pulled away at all. If a person is confused about their sexuality, that makes it harder to open up, or the person might not ever know why they pulled away to begin with.

There are a few other interesting new dating terms that I think I will leave for another blog, including: Throning, Shrekking, and Banksying. I suppose when writing contemporary sapphic stories, it’s important to keep up with the times and the lingo. Otherwise, I’m either dating myself or inadvertently writing historical fiction! I certainly try to keep up with the political landscape, but perhaps I haven’t spent enough time with the latest dating trends. Regardless, if you’d like to check out my books, you know the drill; just click the links below. My newest release, a time travel romance, goes live on April 1st. I hope you will consider checking it out!