I am constantly thankful that I’m an old married woman and not out in the dating scene. Some time back, I wrote a couple of blogs on globlinitimacy and skrekking. I knew I had to loop back to this third term when I learned about the new dating world, of which I am not a part, because some of you out there might still hang out on dating lane. So this blog is all about banksying, which I recommend avoiding…at all costs. So… what is banksying? Basically, it involves your partner withdrawing emotionally from you bit by bit, slowly and painfully, without telling you what’s up. They feel perfectly fine when, inevitably, the relationship ends, because they haven’t really been in it for a long time. Unfortunately, you’re left holding the icky pieces, feeling blindsided and confused about what the hell happened. So…here’s some more about it and how to avoid getting into this pickle in the first place.

The term originates from the famous artist Banksy, who stencils provocative murals overnight in public spaces, and then they vanish without a trace before anyone notices. It’s a relatively new term that’s only been around since mid-2025.
In reality, this isn’t new at all. It’s an old behavior with a new name. I can tell you banksying has been around forever. I certainly had my own experience with this when I was blindsided over twenty years ago. Because, let’s face it, being vulnerable is hard, and I don’t know too many people eager to jump into having those hard conversations. But it seems more prevalent today in this hyperconnected world we live in, where a lack of emotional connection is par for the course. People are often more on their phones than talking with one another.
Often, the partner will pretend everything is just fine, a kind of special kind of gaslighting. If you feel that little niggle that something isn’t right, trust your gut, but here are some signs to look for: deep conversations start to fade; your partner seems checked out, distracted, or less invested in how you’re feeling; if they’re usually the type of person to show physical affection, you notice them pulling back; when you bring up concerns, they reassure you with vague answers or overly positive responses.
Always remember it isn’t the end of the world if you are a recipient of banksying and just because you haven’t gotten closure doesn’t mean you can’t create the closure you need. It’s simple, really: do the things that people do to get over a bad breakup, like give yourself a little time and space away from dating, get into a new hobby, and by all means treat yourself with more compassion. Then, there’s always therapy. Finally, sometimes your ex is open to an honest conversation about what happened; push for that. Over twenty years ago, before I met my wife and had my devastating brush with banksying, I took a pottery class and made a few horrible bowls and containers I don’t even know what to call! And of course therapy helped!
If you do recognize the signs and feel the relationship can be salvaged, the best course of action is to rip the band-aid off and have a real conversation. As with most relationships, open communication is key, and making space for periodic check-ins with real, honest conversation.

Without calling it banksying, I have definitely written a book in which this is an important plot component. Since Artist Free Zone is loosely based on that devastating break-up over twenty years ago, you can read all about my banksying experience. I’ve certainly written about relationships that go belly up before, like in Sculpting Her Heart, Disconnected, The Ultimate Betrayal, and The Love Demand, but they were all variations on cheating or not wanting the same thing in a relationship. Thankfully, most of my other romash books highlight one or two couples who fall in love for the first time, find their soulmate, or get a second chance at love. If you want to check out my books, feel free to click on the links below.