I’d just turned seventeen when my dad asked if he could talk with me.
“Pizza Pie, do you have a moment to talk?”
My nickname, Pizza Pie is a whole other story.
Oh shit, I thought. I was getting ready to go off to college in a week. I’d been bored in high school so decided to graduate one year early. I was young to be going off to college. I was also a good kid and had only been punished twice in my life.
Once when I was three and plucked one of those pieces of candy just left in the open for kids to grab. When my dad saw the little bulge in my pants pocket, he promptly pulled down my drawers, spanked me, and marched me back into the store to give it back. No stealing. I was three, I didn’t quite understand. I thought the candy was for everyone to take a sample of. I guess I learned my lesson, I never stole anything ever again.
The other time was when I was thirteen and failed to let my parents know I was leaving the ice cream social to listen to the new Cat Stevens album my friend got. I wasn’t where I was supposed to be and that resulted in a one week grounding.
“Okay.” I sat down on the stool in the kitchen.
“I have some advice for you before you go off to college. If you’re going to have sex, just don’t be drunk your first time.”
What?? Are you kidding me. He didn’t care if I was having sex, only that I shouldn’t drink while I was doing it. I think mom had a different philosophy on this. She was Catholic through and through and had been taught you don’t even put white tablecloths out because it might encourage boys to think about bed sheets. I’m serious. That’s what they taught her in the private Catholic school she went to. Needless to say, we never got the sex talk from mom.
I was still a virgin – technically. I had been messing around with my boyfriend and he was able to give me my first orgasm through our heavy petting sessions down in the basement. I didn’t really understand at the time that what he did one day caused that really awesome feeling. He pretty much lucked into it, or I squirmed around so much that it happened.
“Are you serious?” I was shocked by this advice.
“Yes I am. Getting drunk impairs your thought processes and will lead to nothing but misery. Don’t let some boy get you drunk and take advantage of you.”
Now dad was the biggest slut around. I was sure he’d had sex while drinking and he definitely did not keep it in his pants even after marrying mom, but I took his advice seriously.
I ended up losing my virginity to my high school sweetheart and I’m here to tell you that my dad’s advice sucked. I should have been drunk – because it hurt. The other alternative should have been figuring out I was a lesbian and losing my virginity to a girl. That would have been a helluva lot better. Ah life’s lessons. Never get sex advice from your dad.
Just around the corner is my debut book Love Forever, Live Forever available on April 1st. So excited, far more than when I lost my virginity…