There was a common saying in healthcare that I used to hear all the time. “Nurses eat their own.” It got so bad that we often held meetings about how new nurses were treated, which made it hard to recruit new nurses. I can barely remember a time when I worked in healthcare when there weren’t nursing shortages. Unfortunately, these shortages were quite simply exacerbated by how nurses were treated by their colleagues. I feel like that is what is happening in the LGBTQ+ community…we are eating our own. This past week, I shared an article about a lesbian bar owner and how she’d taken a lot of heat from those in the LGBTQ+ community for her decision to open the bar one night a week without mandating masks. She did this out of desperation because she’d been saddled with a lot of debt and was trying to keep the bar open. While that portion of the article was devastating to read about because I really felt for this woman, it was the rest of the explanation for how she was treated that really fascinated me, and I’d like to share what the author said because I find myself trying to understand the increasingly vitriolic conversation that occurs in our community – the LGBTQ+ community, that is. I’d like to share with everyone some of the more interesting things I read about.

One of the more vocal critics of her voluntary mask night was someone who admittedly never went to the bar. Sound familiar? How about all those parents who go to school board meetings to cry out about LGBTQ+ indoctrination and don’t have kids that go to the school they are complaining about?
People who get the most criticism are the ones doing something or the most work to fight…fill in the blanks. Because it’s hard to find fault with someone who does nothing; they aren’t visible.
An effective way to win an argument, especially in the LGBTQ+ community, is to label someone racist, sexist, ableist, and sometimes even homophobic. Because we don’t ever want any of those horrible labels. Now, that is not to say that everyone in our community is perfectly enlightened…we are not, but this go-to strategy seems to have the effect of shutting people down or shutting them up, and those on the attack feel vindicated…they’ve won with this strategy.
The article spoke of a sort of psychology that has a big impact on the LGBTQ+ community. I found it particularly fascinating. Some of us may be prone to substituting other people’s judgment for our own because we are used to people shaming us and making us feel like we don’t even have the right to take up space. Those feelings of shame and guilt are familiar, so when people tell us we should be ashamed of the decisions we make or opinions we hold, we accept it because it feels familiar.
If a person accepts every claim about being racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, etc it may leave that person open to manipulation. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t examine our decisions, behaviors, opinions, etc.; it just means that maybe there are times when the criticism is not legitimate.
The article noted this concept called “lateral violence.” Basically, this means that people who are part of a marginalized community attack other members of that community because it’s easier than confronting their oppressors. The real reason is that we in the marginalized LGBTQ+ commuinity will tolerate these attacks more than the real oppressors.
Oppressed people need an outlet, and guess who is an easy target…well, of course, those in that marginalized community. True oppressors don’t give two shits about what we say about them.
Clearly, this article touched a nerve. So many people were outraged because, honestly, enough is enough. We’ve got to find a way to not eat our own. That does not mean we give people a free pass to behave badly. We should call things out in a constructive manner (not a violent one) when folks cross the line and confront us for valid reasons. Maybe that should include respectful ways to call people out on lateral violence as well. There were loads of comments about needing to support one another during these trying times, and I cannot agree more with that sentiment.

Honestly, I don’t have a great tie-in to my books, so I’ll just remind everyone that The Kitten Trap is on sale for 2.99 for the whole month of October, and I am also quite proud of my latest book, Blind Faith. It’s a unique enough story to fit my quirky style, with a bit of action that should keep readers interested. The links are below.