Every eight weeks, my wife and I travel to Seattle so I can get my hair cut and while we are there, we treat ourselves to a wonderful lunch with our friend at Duke’s Seafood and Chowder House. We’ve been meeting our friend for lunch for almost a year. Like clockwork. We always have wonderful conversations and she updates us on her love life and the latest person or persons she is seeing. We got to talking about things at lunch and she told us about this book called, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Normally, I am not interested in new age/self help books that I perceive to be no better than those ridiculous surveys in popular women’s magazines that normally focus on how to “please your man”. Duh, for obvious reasons, I’m a lesbian. But as she began to describe this book and the test that a person can take to determine which love language(s) resonate the most with you, I could honestly see how this might be universal to all relationships.
To summarize the 5 different love languages, they are as follows:
- Word of Affirmation – Compliments and assurances of love, which could be as simple as telling your partner you love them…daily if that’s what floats their boat, or perhaps how beautiful they are, etc.
- Quality Time – Having joint interests and spending time with your partner doing things you both enjoy. We both realized how important this one was when we lived apart for many years.
- Receiving Gifts – New iPhone/iPad, high tech stereo system that costs as much as a car, whatever item most coveted by your partner, etc..
- Acts of Service – Taking care of that pesky oil change, coffee in bed, a meal prepared with love, etc.
- Physical Touch – Not just sexual intimacy, but cuddling, massages, hand-holding or my personal favorite…head rubs at night while I place my head in my wife’s lap.
As I listened to my friend talk, I could easily see how if you and your partner are not in sync with what each of your wants or needs, it could lead to disaster. My wife often shows me her love with her special drink concoctions, head rubs at night, baked goods, etc. This truly works for me. It’s not that I don’t appreciate when she tells me she loves me, or buys me a gift (rare these days because we’re at the point in our lives where if we want something, we buy it), but I have a sneaking suspicion that my preferred languages of love are #2, #4 and #5. I want my wife to take the test to see if our preferences align. This will undoubtedly be a wonderful conversation to have, and I can truly see the benefits of being in sync with your partner.
As I thought about this book, I had to smile at how Zari in Sculpting Her Heart, my latest novel, did a wonderful job of showing her love through Acts of Service, and fortunately for her, Frankie responded well to her go-to language of love. In books we often read about how the main characters show their love through Words of Affirmation, but I’d be willing to bet my house that particular language is not universal, and maybe it is time we wrote about all five! Want to discover how I’ve incorporated the five different languages of love in my various novels, you know the drill, click the links below. Locked Inside, which is now out in Audible definitely demonstrates the various languages of love between Carly and Belinda. And…don’t forget about this week’s sales in My Lesfic – One of my personal favorite series is featured by Renee MacKenzie, the Karst Heart Series. This series was overlooked by far too many and one of those diamonds that need to be discovered by WLW readers.
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One thought on “Language of Love”
I did a lot of research on relationships since July of last year. Had a lot of time on my hands doing nothing lol. All started with reading a polyamory story in 2019 by Raven Spenser. The question I had was how can someone âloveâ 2 people at the same time ie have sex and intimacy with two people. Well, in all the research I did, including open marriages, swinging etc, one really canât. If one is married, their spouse becomes more a roommate than a spouse, ( marriage counselors use the âparent exampleâ. That is kids get the security of parents ( mostly financial), while being able to go out and âdateâ. Same as married couples in open relationships. To stay married, basically one of the spouses has to stop caring. They go on with their life, their life goals, while their spouse goes on with theirs which circles back to âroommatesâ. And that leads to âintimacyâ.
Hereâs another thing. Margulies offered a simple way to identify couples who may be heading for divorce. “Go into any restaurant, and look for the couple who aren’t speaking, but are sort of looking past each other,” he said. “You’ve seen them. It speaks for itself. … That’s a marriage of endurance.” Some spouses may be content with silence or sparse communication, of course, but it’s worth noting that scenes such as this could also indicate that the spouses have grown apart Women have affairs too. Even though a husbandâs infidelity is womenâs #1 reason for divorcing, she, too, is very capable. But while infidelity is listed as the reason for divorce, what exactly was the reason for the infidelity? When I dig into that question with my female clients, they all have a similar version of âI felt so lonely.â
Hereâs a bit I found on âintimacyâ.
Common Reason for Divorce #2: LACK OF INTIMACY
lack of intimacy causes divorce
Over time, marriages become less about physical contact and more about a transition to a deeper and more spiritual kind of love. Thatâs normal. Sex is still an essential part of every marriage at every step of the way, but intimacy is also much more than just sex.
Newsweek magazine estimates that 15 to 20 percent of couples are in a sexless relationship. Studies show that 10% or less of the married population below 50 have not had sex in the past year. Also, less than 20% report having sex a few times per year, or even monthly, under age 40.
However, it doesnât mean that intimacy should disappear from marriage even when the physical side becomes less frequent. There are other ways to be intimate with your spouse. You can show affection through small acts like daily kisses on the cheek, hugs, and holding hands, backrubs, and foot rubs, or even phone calls to say âI love youâ from time to time.
Intimacy involves paying attention to your spouse. Itâs the sign of a healthy marriage to ask about the type of day theyâve had, if theyâre worried about something, if theyâre hiding little nagging aches and pains, or if they want someone to listen to their problems attentively after a long, hard day.
When these small acts of intimacy go away, each partner may feel rejected. That can lead to a downward spiral in the overall quality of a relationship. Over time, this can blossom into intense feelings of feeling unloved and unappreciated.
Danna Rasmussen Sent from Mail for Windows 10