To say that I have a hard time keeping up with all the new lingo coming out would be an understatement. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. The types of relationships keep evolving as the world changes. While tolyamory is a relatively new term, I suspect the concept has been around for a long time. I can think back to my first real heartbreak, where this was exactly the kind of desperation I felt to suggest tolyamory before I even knew the term! So what is tolyamory? Put together polyamorous and tolerate, and you get tolyamory, which quite simply is allowing some indiscretion with flirting, flings, inappropriate messages, etc., as one partner turns a “blind eye” to the behavior. As I recall, my exact words were, “I look the other way.” The basic problem with tolyamory versus polyamory is that it is most often not balanced or a mutual decision. One partner takes liberties, while the other partner tolerates. Because I suspected this “new” concept has actually been around a very long time, certainly longer than when Dan Savage, media pundit and advice columnist, coined the phrase in 2024, I decided to do some research. Here is what I learned:

The phrase “turn a blind eye” is most famously associated with the Battle of Copenhagen in 1801. During the battle, Admiral Sir Hyde Parker, commander of the British forces, sent a signal to his forces ordering them to discontinue the action. At the time, Naval orders were transmitted via a system of signal flags. When the order was brought to Nelson’s attention, he lifted his telescope up to his blind eye, saying, “I have a right to be blind sometimes. I really do not see the signal,” thus most of his forces continued to press home the attack. However, there are recorded instances of this term being used as far back as the late 1600s.
Tolyamory dates back to the Roman Empire – 2nd Century AD. Marcus Aurelius apparently knew that his wife, Faustina, was having affairs with soldiers and gladiators, but did not punish her, despite the widespread rumors. It was suspected that he turned a blind eye because he didn’t want to return her massive dowry.
In a famous 1782 court case, Sir Richard Worsley tried to sue his wife’s lover, George Bisset, for compensation. However, it was revealed that Worsley had been present when his wife, Lady Worsley, was with her lover and had seemingly encouraged it. The court, seeing Worsley as a “voyeur” who had essentially allowed the affair, awarded him only one shilling in damages.
In many high-society circles in the 19th and 20th centuries, marriage was a political or financial contract rather than a romantic one. Turning a blind eye was often standard practice. I suspect this was true much earlier than the 19th century in arranged marriages.
Anne Douglas famously allowed her husband, actor Kirk Douglas, to have affairs with other women during their 60-year marriage. As a European, Anne stated she understood it was “unrealistic to expect total fidelity in a marriage” and chose to accept his dalliances.
Reports have suggested that in the late 1980s, the Royal family expected Diana to turn a blind eye to Prince Charles’s affair with Camilla Parker Bowles to preserve the marriage’s public image and ensure the stability of the monarchy. That didn’t exactly work out, though, because Diana didn’t play ball!

When I wrote Sculpting Her Heart, this term wasn’t out there, but it’s pretty close to the relationship Frankie and Sam had before Zari won Frankie’s heart. Even though Sam brought her desire for an open relationship out in the open, an imbalance made it unhealthy. Infidelity is certainly a hot topic. Despite it being a no-go for many, I’ve included it in a few of my novels because of the complicated nature of the issue. If you want to check out books with morally gray characters, feel free to click the links below. Also, don’t forget about my latest book, A Moment in Time. And…the best way to support authors is to leave reviews on Amazon…they’ve changed everything up again, making it super hard for sapphic books and authors to get noticed, especially us little guys!