The other day I was reading a post on the lesbian equivalent of a home run. You know, that male idiom for someone getting lucky with a lady. It was a darn good question and we bantered around things like maybe third base is under the panties, and a home run requires either a little tongue action or the addition of toys (of course that was my contribution). I found a meme that might fit..well sort of…something about oiling a glove…

Then someone said, “Does it even apply if we bat for the other team”. I was rolling on the floor laughing at that. It got me to thinking about all those sex idioms and euphemisms that either don’t apply to lesbians or don’t quite fit. I thought that was a great topic to explore today.

When we were interviewing this OB Physician and he used this phrase: I don’t dip my pen into the company well.  I thought that was interesting considering I think the idiom is actually, dipping one’s pen in the company ink. Of course, I consider that saying completely malecentric and/or heterocentric. So… what would be the lesbian equivalent? How about, I don’t lap the juices from the company water cooler? No? Drink the ambrosia from the company well? No? Okay, what would you say, then?

Isn’t it time to ferret out all those heterocentric sayings and create a whole new twist from the lesbian perspective.  So…here are my favorites. Instead of “it’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean.” How about, “it’s not the type of boat you travel in, but the way you move through the water.”

I’ve always been repulsed by the saying, “Yeah, I hit that one,” or “Nailed her good.” Really? Any of you want to be hit or nailed? Don’t answer if you’re into BDSM. For those not into BDSM, how about, “Yeah, I licked her clean,” or “The vacuum cleaner can’t compare with my sucking.”

Another repulsive saying to me, and I admit it’s probably because I am 100% lesbian, is “playing hide the sausage.” First, I don’t eat meat and second, I’d probably try to hide that ugly organ too if it dangled between my legs.  I can’t even begin to think of an alternative. It reminds me of how wrong the saying, “bumping uglies” is to me.  There is nothing at all ugly about a vagina and all the surrounding petals of love. So maybe an alternative is, “take time to smell and taste the flower.” Some flowers are edible…for real. Not joking here!

And then there is this one that I can’t even say…but the little picture below not only put forth the saying but gave us a lesbian alternative! I love the internet!

That brings me back to the baseball analogy. I think if we’re going to bat for the other team, we should also be gracious and host a potluck after the game. After all, we are lesbians.

I bet you’re wondering how the heck Annette will tie in a plug for her books. Well, I have to admit, I don’t have a clever way to do that in this blog. So…how about I hope you will simply want to check them out because I’m so good at writing a blog every single week and it’s about damn time you took a peek! Oh, and don’t forget about the book tour going on all month.  Here’s a link to the page with all the relevant info: Unconventional Lovers Book Tour

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