After joking around on Facebook again, I promised to write on a topic that I am readily admitting I know absolutely nothing about. The fact that I thought self-identified butches might have grooming rituals gives everyone a clue about how little I know. In my defense, someone suggested that duct tape might be a butch’s answer to hair removal. I thought that was funny, so it sent me on my usual tangent.

I took that tiny thread and pulled and pulled on it. I posted on my page for some assistance, because even though I want to be considered just a little bit butch, apparently, I’m not. Today that notion really resonated when I was lamenting about possibly not being able to go over the mountain pass this weekend for my hair appointment. That would be a complete disaster because I am definitely in that, “my hair looks like shit” stage. The looks of incredulity from my co-workers at our leadership huddle was enough to finally push me to admit that I’m soooo not butch. I travel 3 hours to get my hair cut. Enough said.

I was supposed to do some physical research on if duct tape really would cleanly remove hair around my panty lines, but I could not find the roll of duct tape (yes, I know likely excuse). Most of the butches who responded were appalled at the notion of using duct tape for hair removal and some even suggested that hair removal wasn’t a given. I tried to argue that a razor doesn’t do as thorough a job as hot wax, so maybe they could try an alternative method that fits their tough character. I don’t think they took me seriously. However, I did convince one person to do the research for me. Thanks, Danna. Apparently, duct tape is not an adequate alternative to hot wax because she reported it only removed two individual hairs. That is certainly not enough to achieve a Brazilian.

The duct tape got me to think of other tools that might work in a pinch. What about a buck knife for attending to your nails? Or those rest stop hand dryers instead of a blow dryer? I don’t suppose twine is used for putting your hair up in a ponytail because I suspect most butches don’t put their hair in ponytails. That buck knife might have a dual purpose and could also be used in lieu of scissors to cut hair, but then I suppose clippers might be the preferred choice, or even a razor. Of course, if a razor is available, who needs duct tape. Now we’ve come full circle to the benefits of duct tape….

My wife is very fond of her Swiss Army Knife which has both a nail file and a pair of tiny scissors. She carries that thing everywhere, almost like a religious icon. Some people have rosary beads, my wife has her Swiss Army knife.

I guess I liked the idea of having a gadget with all those fancy tools more than the reality of carrying it with me at all times. My wife bought me one and I was very excited for the gift, but then I promptly stuffed it into the center console of my car and it’s lived there ever since with my old iPhone, candy wrappers, pens and basically items that are common in the car version of a junk drawer. I liked the idea of a single tool that was so versatile, so I incorporated the granddaddy of Swiss Army knives into my new book, Captivated, that comes out in April.

Let’s go back to that nail file on the Swiss Army knife. When one of the Facebook butches mentioned using a nail file on occasion, another one scoffed. So, I wondered if using the nail file on that Swiss Army knife might be an acceptable way to care for your nails if you’re a butch. The tool seems relatively butch to me. Of course, I deviate from my pseudo femme tendencies because I don’t use a nail file at all. I simply rip off my nails when they get too long or maybe nibble a little on the ends.

So, there you have it…all my visions of that totally badass, cool butch are shattered. Duct tape, buck knives, twine, and Swiss Army knives are not butch grooming tools after all. Oh well, it was fun to imagine and maybe I’ll stretch the suspension of belief concept in my next novel and weave a scene in where my version of a badass butch removes her underarm hair with duct tape. Speaking of books, you know the drill…click the links below….please….puppy dog eyes.  By the way….as a special treat tonight…I read this blog and click this link for the Vlog (Video blog): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZb002YO1RQ

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