At first, I thought the Elf on the Shelf was just another example of how sexist our society is because I’d only ever seen male elves. Regardless, I’m going to voice my concerns over this creepy little doll regardless of the fact they have added a female version. They certainly don’t have any elves of color in their repertoire. The female elf is a very typical femme, except she has no breasts. I wonder if that’s because she’s supposed to be pre-pubescent. But then why does she wear lipstick. Geez, sexualizing our little girls runs rampant and now it extends to this elf.

I might be more inclined to soften to the idea of having this creepy little doll watch my every move if maybe they added a lesbian version. She could report back when I’ve been very bad and maybe something fun would find it’s way in my stocking. You know…along the lines of something from Victoria’s secret or a sex toy shop.

I think that even if they make a lesbian version, I won’t want one. In the same way that clowns freak me out, this creepy little doll does as well. According to the rules, you can’t touch him or her and the damn thing pops up everywhere. The elf appears on a different shelf every day. Now if that isn’t something to scare the shit out of your kids, just add that he or she is watching to make sure you’re good or no gifts for you.

I read somewhere that some people object because we shouldn’t be bullying our kids into thinking good behavior equals gifts. Another objection is to the subtle message that it’s okay for other people to spy on you because you’re not entitled to privacy. That is truly scary considering we are already being spied on by the government and big companies looking into our buying patterns. For me, it’s the creep factor. Anyone old enough to remember the horror film Chucky. Don’t you think the elf kinda looks like good old Chucky?.

The HR Assistant at work had to find one of these damn dolls because her 6-year-old daughter kept looking for him when she went to a friend’s house. The poor little girl thought she wouldn’t get any gifts if the stupid little elf didn’t show up. My assistant went looking everywhere for a doll and couldn’t find one that would arrive in time. How sad. She finally found a co-worker who said she would bring one in for her because she had an extra. Someone is making a boatload of money off this racket.

Maybe I’ll write a horror story about a lesbian elf on the shelf who comes to life and terrorizes the nice lesbian family…a kind of Chucky meets Elf of the Shelf meets Fatal Attraction (because of course, she will have an affair with one of the moms).  I know I have a demented brain.

Since I don’t have a racket to fall back on, perhaps you’ll want to help me make some money and pick up one of my stories. You know the drill, click one of the links below…

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